WALT proof-read our work to make improvements
WALT use descriptive words and phrases to help us add interesting detail to our recounts
To be successful we will:
- Use words and phrases that describe what things looked like
- What sounds we could have been heard
- What we could have smelled
- What we could have felt inside (try use class examples of ‘showing’ the feeling
On Sunday morning I wearily get out of bed and headed to work.
At 5:00 am I walk into the factory.There were a lot of boxes and it smelt like poo it was a pigsty.If I work hard I can probably can go to school.I wish I can save up my money and come and live up here.I said in an exhausted way.
The next day I was late my boss said to me you're not having lunch I said man my boss said now no pay he said no now next next week no pay. So I walked to my apartment and I said to ching am I going to stay here forever. Ching said yes you might like jake I don’t want to stay here with my dum boss because he makes front of me so once he was my Friend. And he will pay me the most I had enuf to go to school I shouted love it!. I was walking on the smelly stairs and shouted! Love you boss. 
Hi Andy, well done for the parts of this recount where you show success. Towards the beginning you describe what things looked and smelled like. The second half of your recount needed a lot of work as I cannot understand what you are writing about.
ReplyDeleteNext steps in writing are to still work on adding detail around feelings, what you see, think and hear. Also, to check sentences make sense and have basic punctuation.